To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn’t think could be real
To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me that I can’t explain
So would I be out of line, if I said I miss you
She shot up straight in bed, covered in sweat, and was breathing heavily. She looked around and realised that she was in her room. Another nightmare. She moaned and pulled the duvet up over her head, trying to go back to sleep. Her body was tired and her mind was overloaded with misery. She felt like a steaming pile of crap. She could not stop thinking about what had happened these past few days, forbidding her to go back to sleep.
With a mental sigh, she forced herself to get off her bed. She wasn’t sure if she could physically move, though. She had no desire to do anything other than find the easiest way to end her life, to end the pain. The pain in her chest was excruciating; it hurt like a deep cut. Her mind couldn’t function properly; it went either sprinted with thoughts or stopped all together. She imagined the ultimate peace death could bring. But she realised that she was too wimpy to kill herself, so she continued on with her bitter life. Another day of sorrow.
“I have to leave this country tomorrow.”
She never thought that one sentence could break her into pieces. The devastation set in right after she heard that from him. She felt hollow, lost, disoriented, and totally depressed. She felt like there was a hole in her chest. She drowned in her eternal tears of sorrow. All the things that she did reminded her of him. He was one of the best things that ever happened in her life.
She recalled the memories that they had together, all the beautiful things, the arguments, the joy, the tears, the laughter; everything. She knew that she was being over-emotional, knowing they had only known each other for such a short time. She didn’t mean for it to go as far as it did. She didn’t mean to fall in love, but she did anyway, though she didn’t expect him to love her back. She knew that she was just another girl in the crowd.
She did not blame him for not seeing her—she was not meant to be seen. She didn’t blame anyone for not being able to feel what she felt, for not being her; because who would choose to be a broken woman so full of flaws.
It was enough for her to have him, even for a few moments, to herself, where his mind and body were hers and hers alone. It was enough to make her smile. She liked him, a lot more than she originally planned. When he told her that he had to leave, that was when she realised that she fell for him already. She fell in love but she wasn’t ready to get hurt. It destroyed her, but she didn’t regret it. But love has teeth which bite and the wounds never heal.
She was afraid to fall in love again–she didn’t think she would be able to love again. So she relegated herself to shadows, where she could be alone, unseen, and nobody would be able to hurt her.
Somehow I often remember what I’d rather forget. No, wait, I don’t want to forget it. I don’t want to forget the memories. I don’t want to forget you. You are one of the best things that ever happened to me. You made me happy, you brought back the smile to my face—the smile that has been gone so many clock ticks ago. You made me feel…loved. And it hurts, knowing that I will never be able to feel that again.
I miss you, Kiwi.